Hi, micies. Long time, no blog! We've made our move to the East Coast, though, and have (mostly) unpacked all of our stuff. Apart from a strong urge to scrap it all and become some kind of monk--holy crap, we have a lot of crap--we're happy and settled.Which means it's time to really deal with something that has been bothering me for about a year, and is also a hot topic round the blogosphere: name changing. Or not-changing. If you'll recall, I did a big post about this awhile ago, in which I shared my decision to change my name. What I did was drop my given middle name, and take his last name as an additional last name. The change was meant to be legal and social, and I always intended to keep my name professionally (it would cost me about ten years of hard work to change my name professionally).
To recap, my big reason for wanting to change my name was that I wanted to have the same last name as my children. In the beginning, He-Mouse didn't really mind about this one way or the other. He would never call me "Mrs. Hislast," even in a teasing or romantic way. He likes that I took his name, but it was never a priority for him. And because I'm a feminist, we did have a discussion about him taking part of my name--but he decided not to. For these reasons, I really do feel that it's a decision that I, rather than we, need to make.
So I started out:
Mouse Middle Mylast
And became:
Mouse Mylast Hislast,
in which both Mylast and Hislast are last names, with no hyphen.
However, I hit several big hurdle with this right away.
1) First of all, the grand bureaucracy is unbelievably confused by the idea of two last names with no hyphen. I can't tell you how many times I've had this conversation:
Me: Hello, my account is under Mouse Mylast Hislast.
Them: I can't find it. What did you say your last name is?
Me: Mylast Hislast.
Them: Okay, but is it under Mylast or Hislast?
Me: It's both. I have two last names.
Them: So it should be under Mylast-HYPHEN-Hislast. I'll fix that.
Me: No, it's not hyphenated.
Them: Whaaa...?
Me: I HAVE TWO LAST NAMES WITH NO HYPHEN.
Them: Oh. I'll just file it under Hislast.
Me: (Blind rage.)
2) Second, I've been having an overwhelming emotional reaction to seeing my name changed. I do not like getting mail addressed to Mouse Hislast (because, again, people can't handle two last names, my given name is what gets erased). I don't mind Hislast Family--that's actually kind of sweet--but I actually broke down and cried when I got Mouse Mylast Hislast credit cards. What is wrong with me? I thought. I looked into changing it back, which, in either Illinois or New Jersey, costs $300 and involves going to court. Then I figured that's a lot of money, and whatever, I'll just wait and see if the feeling passes. Maybe it's just adjusting.
3) Third, it turns out that I cannot keep my professional name, having changed my name legally. ID cards, library cards, my paycheck, my work-related travel arrangements: I've discovered that all of these will say Mouse Mylast Hislast, even if I ask them to be listed as Mouse Mylast. This means that official emails might have to have Hislast in them. I called around to see if there's a way I can do business as Mouse Mylast--it is, after all, a professional identity in which I've invested a lot of time and money. And there is a way. It's called taking an assumed or fictitious name.
Well, that about did it for me, micies. An assumed or ficticious name? Balderdash. That's my NAME. So I'm doing it. I'm filing the papers and going to court and shelling out $300 to get my name back. And I think I have a good solution. I will be:
Mouse Hislast Mylast.
This leaves me with my professional identity intact, but still makes space for a shared name with my husband and future children.
What do you think?
17 comments:
I think that's a goof solution. & I totally get where you're coming from - all that would make me upset too.
Wow. That post was a lot to take in but in the end I think you made the right choice. It's what ever makes you the most comfortable in your own skin. And 300 will be nothing in the long run!
good! not goof! ha!
I laughed out loud at this because our experiences have been nearly identical. I did the same thing, for the same reasons, but kept my given middle name and took my maiden name as a second middle name.
I did use Hisname professionally, but I thought I would just always use them both: Myname Hisname, except in daily life with my students (I'm a teacher). My signature, writing, blah blah, would all include both names.
Yeah, it turns out it's really hard to use 2 names (unhyphenated). And if I was going to just use one, it was going to be mine.
So I shelled out the $180 (in Iowa) for the legal change, and the rest is history. I still have four names--I took his name as a second middle name, and now I know that will be enough for me if we give our kids his name.
Bottom line: I think your solution sounds great!
It's funny how visceral my reaction was once it was real. Good luck with the paperwork--and explaining your decision to random office personnel who feel they need make a comment about how strange it is. Or maybe that was just my experience...
Go with your gut. You've tried it for a year, it's not working -- change it back! Honestly, I kind of wish I'd never changed mine and I'm still thinking about changing it back once I'm not in Canada any more. (Not worth changing my work permit and other immigration documentation halfway through.)
I tweeted this in your direction, but I'm not sure if you saw it! http://t.co/B38IZ69 APW to the rescue!
It's an intensely personal decision. If you are having second (third, fourth, etc) thoughts about it, change it back. You probably won't look back on your life and say, "If only we'd had that 300 dollars," but you might look back and wish you'd stood up for a part of your identity you considered vital. I think that, too often, the power of our birth names get lost in these conversations about names and marriage, and it is too easy to brush aside the meaning we place in our names after 20, 30, however many years they are our signifiers. You should feel like your name is pointing right at you, as you are.
My intended and I wove a long series of these conversations and have ultimately decided to each keep our names and give any children hyphenated names. We know it isn't a perfect solution, but it's the one that allows us each to hold on to him/herself and still feel like we are creating a space for our newf amily as the Mylast-Hislasts. It'll work for us. You should feel empowered to do what works for you, even if it means changing your mind.
I really struggled with what to do about my name and ended up keeping my middle name and tacking his on to my last name, sans hyphen. I figured this way I would have options and could just use whatever I wanted professionally or socially.
I left my name as it was at my old job because I was optimistic that I'd be leaving there soon and didn't want the paperwork hassle. Then when I got a new job about 11 months after the wedding, all my confusion got kicked up again as I had to fill out HR forms and people assumed my last name was hislast not mylast hislast. The no-hyphen thing is a huge pain in the ass, I agree, but I just don't like hyphens, ok? And I couldn't add a second middle name on the marriage license form (where I had to pick my surname) so I just made my last name a double. (That also means I didn't move up or down in alphabetical order, but no one seems to pay attention to that either.)
Honestly, I'm still on the fence about it. Like petitchablis, I sort of wish I hadn't changed it at all; I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have wasted half this time agonizing over the choice if I hadn't. (I have problems with indecision.) I don't really get mad or anything when people use his last name for me, it's just... uncomfortable. It's so much easier and feels so much better to say my name and introduce myself as it has always been. I worry that, at this point, it would be an insult to change it back or would make people think we got divorced. I guess I could keep it with both names on facebook, which would be the root of any rumors, no doubt. ;)
I added his name because I thought it would give me flexibility, but it's mostly just been an HR headache so far. My sister gets on my case, all "what's the big deal?" whenever this issue comes up for me again, but I think this is one of those unique stresses you can't really speak to until you've been in the middle of it yourself.
I admire you for knowing what you want and acting on it! I'm still trying to figure that first part out...
I like it. A lot actually.
AND! In Spain children are named "FirstName Father'sLast Mother'sLast". In fact, that's how my husband is named. While we debated on name changes, me having the same name as our children was high on our priorities, and your solution was one of the strong contenders. =)
Your solution is perfect. I plan to have two middle names, since our shared middle name was part of what brought us together, but plan to mostly eliminate my (hated, boy's name) middle name when necessary to make sure Mylast gets in there.
Mouse, I really understand where you're coming from on this one. I have been married once before, when I was 22. So, being young and in love, I took his last and just plopped it on the end of mine. That gave me 4 names (two middles).Although the marriage did not last long, our legal divorce happened after 2.5 years (for a variety of reasons, including one spouse being abroad), so I had that name for the entire time.
At that time, I honestly never thought about it. Women marry and change their names. But then came this small, quiet, uncomfortable feeling, and it never left. I had no problem being his wife, and I grew accustomed to having people calling me Mrs. Hislast, but I never really felt "mine". It was like a nickname. People would ask about the origin of the name and I'd respond with "My husbands family has a Swedish background". But wait, what about me? What about my totally cool, always mispronounced Portuguese name? Oh, yeah, they don't know I ever had that.
So, at the time of the divorce, I took my maiden name back and it felt so right. I was back being me again. Now, with my fantastic husband, we discussed the issue. He had absolutely no expectations that I'd take his name, and actually thinks mine is cooler. So now we're married, and I never changed anything. Sure, I get some mail address to Mrs. Hislast, or Hislast family (which I love), but that doesn't bother me at all. I'm me, and I'm so glad of it. When kids come, they'll get their dad's name, and perhaps I'll reevaluate everything at that time. But for now, this is perfect.
I think your solution is great. Always go with your gut feeling on what is right for you.
You guys are the greatest.
@Kate one non-reason reason for taking (adding) his name was I thought it would be easier to deal with/spell/get pronounced correctly. NOPE! And it adds a whole "Wait. You're not Latina!" element at weird moments.
And I didn't even get into the politics. I recently pulled out a credit card with Mouse Mylast Hislast and ended up in the middle of a very personal conversation with colleagues I don't know that well, about the gender politics of the name change. It's none of their business, goddammit. It might be worth changing it back SOLELY not to open my private life to public scrutiny in that particular way.
You go get your name! Also, the bureaucracy isn't any better when you have a hyphen. Either way, having two last names BLOWS. And I was born this way and opted to keep it. There is something very wrong with me, but that is neither here nor there.
I almost added his last as a second middle name (my middle name is very important to me), and dropped my second last name. But at the end of the day, I couldn't do it. I use just my first last name professionally, so it's totally stupid that you couldn't do that (although my law school email was eleanor.myfirstlast-mysecondlast@school.edu, because they assigned them and there was nothing I could do about it, so I imagine it was the same for you). I have to sign court documents with my full last name.
I will say, I did start thinking more about becoming myfirstlast-hislast recently, but I JUST renewed my passport, driver's license, and became a notary, so it's so not happening anytime soon.
I struggled with the whole name thing, too. I answered many questions about my decision. My husband didn't really mind what I did with my name, so the choice was mine, all mine. I added my last name to my middle name. My answer to folks that questioned me, "I've had this name for 36 years. It's the name I was born with, it's the name I'll die with. I'm adding a husband, not changing my identity." So, I have two middle names and his last name. I was lucky when I got my driver's license because there was JUST ENOUGH space for both middle names. I like being called "Mrs. HisLast." I don't have a career that won't withstand a name change. My best friend does, and when she married, she changed her middle name to her maiden name. I can understand all of your reasons for your choice and I'll never judge someone for their decision. I remember how I struggled with it. Even as strongly as I believe that my choice was right for me, there's still a small, very small, voice in my head that says, "It's just a name. You're still the same person." I never knew how much my name meant to me until it was time to think about whether or not to change it. I agree with everyone else that says to do what your gut tells you. You won't be sorry.
That's really sensible.
I'm planning to stay as Me Mylast once we're married in October because I can't imagine having a different name and still feeling like me. Although I am reserving the right to completely change my mind once the time comes...or after a year or after 10!
The bigger problem is what name our children will have, but hopefully that's an argument we can put off for a few years.
This made me want to cheer for you... not because of how you decided, but because YOU decided.
(I kept my name and rarely think about the whole issue anymore, which is just how I wanted it :))
Interesting that the NO HYPHEN thing caused you such a problem, Mouse. I am waiting til my current passport and credit cards expire next year before I change anything, to save on excess pain and money. I have a Czech surname which is incorrectly gendered - I should be Ms --ková, rather than Ms --ka (wives/daughters have different endings to husbands/fathers). I've always liked the idea of respecting my Euro heritage by making my surname 'more Czech' (and thus sounding more like a supermodel or professional tennis player!!). So I thought at the same time I become --ova, I could also add my husband's extremely common Anglo surname. I'm not willing to go from interesting Czech name to a very common name, but I do like the idea of (a) sharing my husband's name in some way, and (b) having two surnames with no hyphen. I wonder if I will encounter the same problems you have... I really don't want a hyphen! I'll have enough with the multiple syllables and the accent on the a!!
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