It has come to my attention that some people did not ever receive the Mama Mouse tutorial on how to write a really good thank-you note. For instance, I saw one on He-Mouse's desk this week that went like this:

"Dear Mr. and Mrs,

Thank you so much for the great gifts! They are super thoughtful and we like them a lot. It was fun to see you!

Love,
He-Mouse and Mouse."

Um. NO.

It's not his fault at all, micies. I don't think anybody is teaching boys how to do thank-you notes anymore. But Mama Mouse is Southern, and let me tell you, I have probably clocked more thank-you notes in the course of my life than an ambassador. The size of my birthday parties, as a kid, was regulated by how many notes I would have to send afterwards. I remember I got carried away the year I turned seven and invited eighteen kids. She let me do it, but my tiny little hand nearly fell off. The next year, I invited my five best friends.*

Now, all y'all have probably learned how to write a decent thank-you note at some point or another. But on the off-chance that you haven't, here's the handy dandy Mama Mouse tutorial.

1. The Card
...Is very important. Even if it's for something small, the card should never appear goofy, or make a joke, or--worst of all--belittle either the person you're thanking or the action you're thanking them for. Cards like this or this can never sufficiently express gratitude, even if it's "thank you for doing the dishes this week." Nope. Heavy paper is good. Tactile is good. And from there, it should be a card that reflects YOU--when the recipient opens the envelope, he or she should feel that you spent time and energy choosing it for them. For our wedding thank-yous, we chose these letterpressed cards by Souris Mariage sponsor Ruby Press. She customizes the colors, which is bomb, and the paper feels good and heavy. (Heavy paper is also more fun to write on, which becomes a lot more important when you're doing seventy-six thank-you notes rather than five.)

2. The Handwriting
Doesn't matter, so long as it's as legible as you can make it and you do it by hand. You CANNOT do a typed thank-you note, regardless of font, unless you are not able to write one by hand. (REALLY not able.)

3. The Signature
Needs to be legible, even if you usually do the doctor's prescription signature, like He-Mouse, who signs "H njfhdgnjvshfghet." If someone separates the card from the envelope, it still needs to show that it came from you.

4. The Message
Should not ever say the words "thank you," which are probably printed somewhere on the front of the card. Instead, you should express your gratitude in a personal way. It MUST directly reference the gift. The recipient should know that you know exactly which gift in the pile of Crate & Barrel boxes came from them. Usually a wedding gift is a pretty big investment, and it is your job to make their placesetting or their blender or whatever it is seem SPECIAL and DEEPLY APPRECIATED, even if they got you something hideous or you already have seven of said item. However, you have to toe the line between deep appreciation and unmasked materialism. It's fine to be excited about your new Dutch Oven, for instance, but you should always be MORE excited that whoever gave it to you came to the wedding. Specifics are very important in both cases. Extra points for referencing some future event or experience unrelated to the thing you're thanking them for--this emphasizes lasting friendships rather than stuff.

5. Money
The exception to the specifics rule is money. Never reference a dollar amount (be it cash, check, or gift card) in a thank-you note. Instead, say something like "we so appreciate the spending money" or "your gift will go a long way towards the mixer we're saving up for" for a small gift, and "your very generous gift" or "we were able to complete our china placesettings with the gift you sent" for big ones.

6. Salutation
For a thank-you note, I always use a slightly warmer salutation than I might under normal circumstances, although I'm never dishonest. "Love" is appropriate for quite a lot of your guest list, especially at a smaller wedding. "All best" still works for colleagues. For the older, more formal folks, I'd go with "very sincerely" or "with warmest regards."

7. Timing
In general, you have no more than a week for the thank-you note to reach its recipient. There are tales around the South of people smuggling notes in their purse, so they can fill one out in the bathroom during a dinner party and stick it in the hostess's mailbox on the way out.** This is why you should, for goodness sake, WRITE YOUR NOTES AS YOU RECEIVE YOUR GIFTS. You get a carte blanche three-week extension for the wedding and honeymoon themselves, but if you've been slowly receiving gifts without writing notes before the wedding, you will be screwed. After the wedding, just do your best, whatever that is. People are understanding, but don't let it get past a couple of months if you can help it.

8. Some examples
a) Incredibly ugly household knickknack from a friend of your mother's who will never actually see your apartment:
"Dear Joan,
It was so wonderful to see you at our wedding--we were happy to have you there with us on our big day! The frog statuette is delightful: we've set him right by our front entryway to welcome people into our new home. We'll think of you every time we pass him by. Looking forward to seeing you over the holidays!
Warmest regards,
Mouse & He-Mouse" (with me writing his name since they don't know each other)

b) Gorgeous new KitchenAid Stand Mixer from a favorite auntie:
"Dear Auntie,
He-Mouse and I are so excited about our new mixer! We tried it out on a batch of Mexican Wedding Cookies this week and it performed like a champ. It makes our apartment feel like home. We so appreciate that you made the trip to Tucson for our wedding--what a fun night. I'm glad you and mom had such fun dancing! Come see us soon and I'll bake you something, so you can see the mixer in action.
All our love,
Mouse and He-Mouse" (he signs, because it's a close relationship)

c) Broke friend from college who nevertheless shelled out $25 for a Williams-Sonoma Gift Card on top of coming to the wedding:
"Dear Buddy,
The wedding could not possibly have happened without you there. We're so glad you could make the trip. Your moves on the dance floor will be lauded for years to come, particularly your excellent Cabbage Patch. Classic. It was so generous of you to send us the gift card, on top of coming to the wedding--it will help make our apartment into a home, and we'll think of you every time we cook. Looking forward to seeing you at the conference next month!
Love,
Mouse and He-Mouse" (He signs if it's a mutual friend, I sign his name if it's my friend)

d) Spouse's boss who you've only met for three minutes at the wedding and gave you blender number four:
(Well, first of all, the Huz should be writing this one. But if you have to...)
"Dear Mr. Big Stuff,
I wanted to let you know how much we appreciate your attending our wedding. We had a wonderful time. Your gift was so generous--we love the blender, and it's gone a long way towards equipping our kitchen! We're hoping to see you again at the Draper's Halloween Party.
All best,
Mouse and He-Mouse" (I sign his name to cover his ass for not writing the actual note)

Any questions? Tips? Tricks for relieving hand cramps? Because holy crap there are a lot of these suckers to do.

* He-Mouse refers to this school of parenting as "Your mom's voo-doo tricks."
** See this book for more guidance and similar stories.