One of my favorite mice sent me this question (I've taken your name off for privacy, but tell me if it's okay to share, dearie!)

Mouse,

Can we talk about the b-word (budget)? My dad has generously offered to pay for the reception (specifically: venue rental, food, booze and favors). My fiance and I are responsible for everything else--photographer, DJ or live band (still undecided), flowers/centerpieces,
attire, programs, gifts, etc. Our guests are coming in from out-of-town, mostly, so it would be *nice* to do welcome gifts or bags, but it's probably not within our means. We haven't saved or put aside any money (thus far) for wedding stuff, and we are starting to panic a bit. Our wedding is September 4, which TheKnot so kindly reminds me is 190 days away. So, my question is: Do you and He-Mouse put money away each month for your wedding? Do you give yourself an amount of money you can spend each month on wedding stuff? Do you keep track of every wedding purchase? The only thing I've purchased is my dress. I feel incredibly behind and don't really know where to start. Budgeting is obviously not my thing. Any tips you could give me would be so very helpful.

Dear friend,

Well, shoot. This is tricky territory, not least because of the trouble with talking about money. I have thus far been avoiding the subject, because it's an intensely personal and localized part of the wedding planning. You know what I mean? It's so emotional that I could say my wedding in, say, Denver was going to cost 60 chickens. That would sound cheap to a New York bride, where even a venue costs 60 chickens, and terribly expensive to a Duluth bride, where 60 chickens is extravagant. And each of those three people would have all kinds of money baggage wrapped up in their judgment of the 60 chickens number, because 60 chickens might be equal to other things in life--a vacation, an inheritance, a car, a year's salary, a bonus check--depending on our careers and family financial situation. So I'm going to stay away from hard numbers, because it's all relative anyway.

(While we're at it, can I say I'm frustrated with the term "budget wedding"? Aren't almost ALL weddings budget weddings of some kind? Isn't a 300,000-chicken budget still a budget? What we mean is something else, I think.)

But I will outline our basic money situation. My stepfather left me a small amount of money when he passed away, to use for a wedding someday. He knew that it would be very difficult for He-Mouse and I to put away very much. My parents are each contributing an equal amount. All that is more or less available when we need it, which makes our budget very straightforward.

In the case of the question above, I think it's a lot trickier, and I'm sorry to tell you that the first thing I would do is sit down with a calculator and an Excel spreadsheet. Because I, my friends, I am a HOARDER. I save money like a champ. Here's my prescription:

1. Figure out how much you spend every month (here's a good way to set up a basic household budget). If you haven't yet combined incomes, do one budget for each of you.
2. Figure out where you can save money, each month, NO MATTER WHAT, for the wedding.
3. Add this up, each month, until September.
4. This figure needs to cover all the stuff your dad isn't paying for. If it can't possibly do so, perhaps you could talk to your dad about a dollar-amount contribution instead? That might give you more leeway--you could plan a Sunday brunch picnic wedding, for instance, and stretch the money farther.
5. Once you have figured out your monthly contribution to your wedding account, you have to hoard it. This means sticking it somewhere you won't touch it. NO, REALLY.* Get a separate bank account for the wedding, and only use it for the wedding. Or a milk jar. Or a piggy bank. Whatever works for you to keep the money separate.
6. Don't use credit cards unless you can pay them back right away. Don't go into debt for your wedding, is my opinion, because when you get married you're probably going to want to start some other big financial projects together.
7. Use a budgeting tool (see below) and decide how much money you can spend on each thing you'll need. Only spend that much. Space payments out so that you don't run down the wedding account. Put someone in charge of balancing it regularly.

I have found a bunch of resources that have helped me with money. The DIY articles, as much as I am not crafty by nature,** often include great tips on saving. I loved the piece Rachel of Heart of Light wrote on her sister's wedding--it ran in a series with a bunch of other great ideas on how to make the budget work. Broke-Ass Bride also ran a great guide to negotiation recently. At a point, most budget advice tends to repeat itself, but here are the things I have learned:

1. It never hurts to ask for discounts, as long as you're polite.
2. If you can't afford something, see if they'll take a trade. I've managed to get some great discounts and amazing freebies in exchange for copy-editing, blog sponsorship, and more.
3. Draw on your community. You may not have a friend who's a wedding planner, but each person in your life had talents of their own. Making a wedding from the gifts of those talents could be a beautiful thing.
4. Take a short, inexpensive mini-moon after the wedding, and give yourself time to save up again for a bigger honeymoon trip in a few months.
5. Try off-season, non-Saturday-night, or other times you can get a venue discount.
6. Choose what's important to you and spend money on that first.

And finally, budgeting tools:
1. I actually LOVE the budget tool on Martha Stewart Weddings. It lets you enter not only estimated cost and actual cost, but also payment due dates and who paid. So it has a record of, say, that Mama Mouse has paid one chicken for my dress alterations and three chickens for the venue deposit, and if you click "Mama Mouse," it will show that she has paid four chickens in total.*** It lets you set your own budget categories, while helping you think through all the things you might need to pay for. ((Caveat: IGNORE the pie charts about how much you're supposed to be spending on each category. We are not Stepford brides, people.))
2. You need a working household budget in order to save. Again, Excel. We put away money each month towards the honeymoon, and however small our contributions feel at the time, it's great to see that number increasing over the months.

And one other general thought, my friend: weddings have turned into this crazy spending spree, but it doesn't have to be like that. It used to just be a wedding, not a rehearsal dinner, wedding, brunch, gift bags, etc. Nobody will care if you can't have gift bags. Or, you know, a bottle of water, a map of the area, and a chocolate in a paper bag with a rubber stamp on the outside (total cost something like $15 plus a bit of your grocery money that month) still counts as a nice gesture. You can see other inexpensive ways to pretty up the details here. And if you're strapped, donations to charities--charities matched carefully with the recipient of your gratitude--can be very touching gifts that are good for the world. There is no need to disclose the amount you contributed.****

Hope this helps.
xoxo,
Mouse

* Well, maybe if you have a car crash or something. But you get my drift.
** Am now humming Beastie Boys.
*** I think I chose chickens because I hate money. I hate how it looks, feels, and smells. It would be more fun if we just traded chickens for stuff.
**** But look out, because you will get junk mail FOREVER.