Sorry if this is a downer for anybody who's on wedding cloud nine today, but I want to talk about fighting. If you don't, just scroll down. (See? Pretty veils! Oooh.)See, I'm starting to think that some of the fighting we've been doing round here has to do with general not-talking-about-fighting out in the world. This ranges from things people do to appear happy and calm (my sister, for instance, will say "It's tricky" about anything from a paper cut to her house burning down, and you really have to listen to the tone to get the difference) to the media crap about how we're supposed to act/speak/look/feel as newly engaged people and newlyweds.* And when people coo at me about how happy we must be, how much sex we must be having, how great our lives are right now,*** etc, it makes me think we need to do some demystifying. (This follows some excellent East Side Bride and Practical Wedding posts about how sometimes you actually SHOULD go to bed mad, which I absolutely agree with.)
Because things ARE NOT always great. We have the same job, family, income, and general getting-along-related stressors we had before we got engaged, PLUS we now have to suddenly acquire diplomatic, budgetary, and etiquette chops that would qualify us to run a small country in order to plan the wedding. And we didn't have bunches of spare time to begin with.
So, yeah, we fight.
Here's the thing, though: I think there is a progression in the kind of fights we have, and this is something that makes me feel very good about my decision to marry He-Mouse. Here's our fight timeline:
• From the beginning to 1 year: Discovery
In which we fight to figure out if there are any major personality flaws, incompatibilities, or lies. Fights like "are you going to steal my shit" and "your left eyebrow reminds me of someone who hurt me in the past." Some of them did discover things, but nothing we couldn't get past or live with.
• Year 1 to 1.5: Fighting
Yes, fights about why we were fighting. We dealt with some major external stressors, learned how (mostly) not to take it out on each other, and decided that some amount of fighting is part of any relationship that we've ever heard of.
• Year 1.5 to 2: Not-Us-Squabbles, Part I
These are those fights when everything is actually fine, but someone needs to fight in order to blow off steam. They happen much less frequently than fights about fighting. They go like this:
"I HATE EVERYTHING! AND HOW COULD YOU BE WEARING SOCKS AT A TIME LIKE THIS!"
"Honey, is it possible that you're really stressed out about work/your dad/money?"
"NOOO! AND HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?"
(tears. doors slamming.)
• Year 2 to 2.5: Not-Us-Squabbles, Part II
Same thing, except now we know better than to call someone out. There is the initial outburst, silence, deflection. And then the next day, mad person says "I'm sorry, honey, I was really stressed out about work/my dad/money. I'll work harder on trying not to take it out on you." (cuddling, making up.)
• Year 2.5 to 2.75: Not-Us-Squabbles, Part II with occasional Real Issues
Meaning that we've started to make real decisions together, and sometimes there are fights we actually need to have. About how our money should be managed. About combining our books. About the kind of life we want to have. Those issues should be aired, and plenty. Those are the things you build your relationship on. (There is a variant here, too, of fights that look like frequent Not-Us-Squabbles II and then suddenly, after a few weeks, turn out to be Real Issues).
• Year 2.75 to now: All that same stuff plus The Wedding.
I have to say, The Wedding fights are stupid. They make us regress waaaay back to Discovery and Fighting about fighting. They go like this:
"I like orange."
"HOW COULD YOU LIKE ORANGE? Don't you know that orange reminds me of a traumatic Crayon accident in early childhood?"
"Really?"
"YES! And why are we fighting so much about this? Do you think it's a BAD SIGN?"
Nope, it's not a bad sign. It's just planning an effing wedding. The whole process is rigged with so many major and minor decisions, so many people to please and appease, and so many financial hoops, I have never heard of any couple who made it through without fights. I assume that, like any major external stressor, it will pass and we will still be us, equilibrium intact, on the other side.
How about you, nice mice? Hanging in there?
* I learned Sunday that my job, as a wife, will be to harangue him about everything and make him carry around my red lacy bra, in which he will show no interest at all, during important football games. (You can read a more detailed account of what wives do, according to Super Bowl commercials, here.) But that's later, when we've been married awhile and I become a ball and chain.**
** Can I just mention how uninterested I am in being someone's ball and chain? I'm out of there as soon as someone thinks I'm his ball and chain, let me tell you.
*** We have been told several times in the last few months to enjoy it now because when we have kids, it will all turn to shit. From friends. Not nice.
15 comments:
I think through all the pre-wedding fighting over the small stuff, we ended up figuring out how to work better as a team. Hopefully this will help when a screaming baby enters the picture and adds a whole new layer of stress!
Such a timely and great post! This morning I got angry with my Fi bc he was up until 3:15 doing school work and woke me up accidentally when he got home...Instead of being understanding and having a normal reaction, I got so mad at him that I couldn't go back to sleep! Totally irrational and rediculous...
This is a really fantastic post! A couple of people have asked, on my blog, if I would talk more about the hard relationship stuff, i.e. fighting, and I admit I don't just because I feel like it might be a violation of privacy. And I suspect that accounts for the absence of this discussion in a lot of spaces. But I think you've done such a good job of talking this out without being TMI and also with lots of hilarity!
I will say that I am so much happier with our fights now that we're married. We used to have this problem where when we fought, it was always like "will this be the fight that breaks us?" and now it's wonderful to fight with the security of knowing that it's just...part of the story. It makes things feel less dire. Somehow it makes our fights a lot less hardcore these days.
I think, if anything, wedding planning has made us stronger as a couple because we've adopted a "us against the world" mentality. Given that there are so many struggles and so many people to please, we tend to bind together better to go against others as a team. Does this mean we never fight amongst ourselves? Ah, hell no. But the fights between he and I are always stupid little ones whereas the bigger issues are usually fought against people who shove their noses into our wedding, haha.
Love this post! We squabble a lot, it has always been part of our relationship. I'm especially good at the irrational "you're wearing socks?" type fighting. Planning a wedding is like negotiating the peace process there are so many people to keep happy. I think it has to be quite high up on the list of the most testing relationship challenges of all time (or that is how is feels at the moment). What do you mean you don't like orange - that is it this wedding is off, err could we still get married though?
Thank you for putting the topic out there it'll be interesting to follow the debate that this could trigger.
We squabble at least once a day, and I most often start it. At first, I thought: clearly we should not be together and just assumed I was enjoying the compansionship while I waited for someone I didn't bicker with and liked as much. And I then I realized we fight because I love him so much. As in, I would be fake with everyone else or hold back, but with him, I can be my normal grouchy self and not worry he is going to hate me or leave me. Sigh. Not good for him, but excellent for venting purposes. He usually winks at me while I am off ranting about how he didn't wash the dishes or put the orange juice back in the right spot and then we both burst out laughing because I am an idiot who gets riled up about that sort of thing. I am trying to get better. I promise. In the meantime, I am happy we have learned to not take ourselves so seriously.
I love your fight timeline.
And did you ever hear that NPR piece (years ago) about how researchers can observe fights and predict with crazy accuracy if a couple will be good together? And they said it's not the fact that you have fights that indicates success or failure, it's how you have fights. So a couple that has good fights can be more successful than a couple that barely fights.
This was actually spot on and made me smile. I remember from Seven Principles of Making Marraige Work (Gottman) where he states something to the effect of it's not that people in successful marriages don't fight (and often about the same thing over and over) it's that they are OK with not resolving certain issues.
The other thing that stuck with me from the book was the HOW of fighting. For example, I once dated a guy who was an LOUD fighter. He would yell and slam doors and make a big fuss and I would get anxious and shut down. Gottman says Loud fighters can often work well with other Loud fighters (I think he called them aggresives). The boy and I are both mediators. We talk (and talk and talk). So we fight (who doesn't?) but it's a lot less stressful than that previous relationship.
All of our wedding fights have consisted of - me: "what do you think of x. Do you like it? Why don't you have an opinion. Don't you caaaare?" Him:{{hug}}
Now having read through your comments, I realize that Rachel's comment is referring to John Gottman's studies from my comment. He says he can predict within a few minutes if a couple will get a divorce. His books are interesting. I'd recommend them.
Love this post. I feel like our wedding fighting had a very similar progression to your outline of the relationship fighting (which I totally can relate to though I'm prone to regression). In the beginning it was a lot of the stress out/"how can you like orange" fighting and then came the big issues fighting and now, 5 months to go, we have come to a place where we are more like a team (there are still fights but they are smarter fights and we handle them better). It was like we had to relearn all of that in the context of wedding planning to come to this super place that we can take into other aspects of our lives. We are way better fighters and a way better couple because of this process. That's when I know we are making the right decision to spend the rest of our lives together.
Fighting is good and healthy as long as you and your partner have similar fighting styles. And it sounds like you guys do.
We don't fight much, which is weird to me somewhat. I guess when you've had a long distance relationship for most of the relationship, you prioritize better about whether things are worth fighting over. Now that we live closer (and live together for that matter), the fighting has picked up.
Hopefully we can manage it when it comes to wedding planning, but your post has reminded me to be prepared.
Catherine: I know, right? ...
A.: I know exactly what you mean. We've learned to fight without threatening our future, and it really helps.
Miss FP: I hope we get there, too!
Rachel and KC: I am on my way to get that book.
xoxo to all of you. Keep fighting the good fight (ha ha).
Great post and very helpful comments, too. You ladies ROCK.
awesome post, as usual. your fighting timeline is so dead-on, i feel like you're describing my relationship! we fight constantly lately, and it mostly stems from really STUPID wedding stuff. that gottman book kind of scares me though, because sometimes i feel that we are not compatible fighters...most of the time, i'm loud and huffy and he kind of shuts down when i'm like that. we do realize that we're getting way too bent out of shape over ridiculousness though, so that's a step in the right direction.
Thanks! Honesty with humor...and the timeline is great.
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