Our house has been experiencing some wedding turbulence this week. About money. About stuff that doesn't matter. About stuff that does matter. Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated with your seat belt securely fastened, else you may thwack your head on the ceiling in a sudden vow-related microburst.
Anyway, it's got me thinking. When my great-uncle passed away a few months ago, all the family convened in North Georgia to grieve (to eat fried chicken and look at home movies). It struck me how much of our family history, our collective story revolves around weddings. Throughout the footage, the silent movies set to random and repetitive classical music over the years, there is no representation of strife or grief, only of those days joyous and beautiful. The image there is blurred, a digital photo of a video-recording of a filmstrip played on a white wall. And that's how the stories come to me, veiled, brief, in need of translation and interpretation. "That's me!" shouted one of my aunts when the image above came on, and tiny silent Aunt threw the bouquet, grinning fully, with her mouth wide open, like I've never seen before.
My dad's little sister runs in front of the camera, bouncing, vivacious, the same person but with energy magnified by hundreds (and wearing a yellow dress which, ironically, would work better in our wedding than any of the bridesmaid options we've found so far).
And there, so quickly, my parents, in love. This is the only video footage that exists of my mother before I knew her. She inclines her head towards his shoulder, her hair long, her demeanor softer somehow, trusting. He's so thin, so athletic; he opens the door and they pause, both make cool not-smile smiles at the camera and then, that fast, they're gone again. Wait, I whisper at the cameraman, please, just another moment.We've decided not to video our wedding, in part because of the budget and in part because we want to keep our own memories rather than yielding to recorded ones. But will a future generation long for our story the way I long for this one?
They were married twenty years before their divorce, and their love is a mystery even to my most careful excavations: two people so different but so in love at that fleeting moment. Where did it go? How can I keep this love that He-Mouse and I have found, this love that feels like a miracle, this love that upends all of my expectations?
14 comments:
We didn't have a videographer either... but one of Dan's cousins decided to bring a camera and casually taped some of the moments and then sent us the dvd. It's very rough around the edges and there are some weird interviews of relatives that make us grimace, but it's a great keepsake. You might find an eager teenager, or an aunt or uncle who might enjoy doing something like that casually. Sometimes rough around the edges is good.
We didn't have a video either (I hate being on camera and knew I couldn't relax if someone was focusing on me all day. I also wanted our guests to be totally relaxed), so I'm afraid I can't help you on that one. However, I also have divorced parents and thought long and hard about the darker side of marriage, the what ifs and hows. In short, there is no guarantee (but you know that anyway), what works for me is knowing that every day I choose this man to be my husband, my team mate in life. We are a unit and I choose to be part of that as does he, I don't take it for granted. I think you just have to take it day by day, keep on choosing the life you make together and be watchful when those distances inevitably creep in that you close them out quick smart. In our engagement card my very wise parents in law (married for nearly 35 years and deleriously in love still) wrote that we should always keep "us" at the centre of every decision we make and from that base of strength the rest will come. I think they were right.
you want more because you have a little. if a video of your parent's wedding had never been made, you would never even think twice about it.
we chose not to have a videographer either, and i'm so HAPPY we did. i don't know how it's been for everyone else, but our wedding day was so intense (in a good way) and emotional (in an unfamiliar way), and that's what we remember most from the day; the feelings we had. that's not the sort of thing that can be captured on camera. even when we look through our wedding pictures, which are BEAUTIFULLY done, it almost feels like it's not our wedding we're looking at. it's weird and i'm not sure i'm explaining this right. i guess what i'm trying to say is, YOU'LL be left with a certain image of your wedding in your mind and the things that you'll remember will be so uniquely important to you and he-mouse, that a video just can't capture that level of emotion.
I have to agree with Celia, perhaps because my parents didn't have a video at all and I feel the way you described about their photos. Their photos definitely provide a fleeting glimpse into those moments of innocent, all-consuming love they once shared. And although my parents are still married, I've never seen that same sort of emotion or bond in the lifetime I've shared with them. They are crankier with each other after 35 years and more matter of fact in their love. But the photos capture something different, a larger story with more context perhaps. And curling up in my mother's lap and going through old photo albums while she tells me stories about those days and about her wedding is magical in a way that I think video can flatten. I don't know if we could capture that hugeness on home video, or just the reaction to it. I think I prefer the photos.
We find our moments where we find them. Your kids will find them too. This is a really great post.
My parents have neither photos nor a video. They were naughty and eloped. I can see their love still. I love photography yet it is not pictures which make memories.
Don't really have advice, I just wanted to say that your post read beautifully and thank you for sharing yourself like that.
this is a beautiful post...reading it is like watching a super 8 video, if that makes any sense. (i haven't had enough sleep in days, so it probably doesn't.)
but yeah, i'm struggling with this too. i'm anti-video, but i wish someone with an old super8 video camera would just videotape the ceremony. just 10 minutes of us walking in slow motion back up the aisle so i can look back and see the look on our faces at that moment. i agree with celia, that it's more important to remember the image in your mind and that the video might taint it. so i'm torn.
If not having video is your gut decision, go with it. You probably won't miss it.
That said, I love watching the video of my sister's wedding. It was just something a relative did, but it's fun to look at it and see parts that I didn't get to see the day of. It's a fun glimpse of the day.
I don't think that having a video will ruin it, but it certainly isn't necessary and I wouldn't shell out any big money for it.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that you never know who will show up with a video camera. My sister didn't plan to have video, but an uncle brought the camera and gave her the video as a surprise afterwards. Some people love filming stuff.
All of these comments are so thoughtful, and I can't add anything to video camera wisdom that hasn't been said.
But perhaps this is just a really normal feeling of "I want to do the right thing for us" more broadly, and that it's manifesting through the camera question.
There are no constants in life: all that we can do is to take the next step forward, and be lucky enough to have hands to hold along the way. Courage, Mouse! You will take some deep breaths and navigate these waters.
Aw Mouse. If anyone knew the answers to the questions you raise, they'd be king or queen tomorrow. As for videos, here's what I recommend. Have someone that you don't pay video the wedding in bits and pieces. Tell them not to give you the footage, not for ten years. Then take a look. Your memories will be yours, not created, but then you will have that surprise of just how you looked, in movement, that day.
Mouse, your post made me tear up! My parents divorced after 22 years, and I cannot for one moment remember them ever being loving towards each other. But every time I've seen a picture of before I was born, or the video tape of my second birthday, I always want to know more about how they fell in love and what they were like together, before all the pain and the hurt began that separated them further and further every year. And then I wonder if that great rift will happen between myself and my fiance and I want so much to be able to hold onto the lovely life and sweet love we have now. I wonder what my kids will think about when they look at our wedding pictures (we, too, have opted not to have a videographer).
Anyway, great post. And thank you.
That's the ticket.
And have video if you want it, and don't have it if you don't, and don't worry about the cost, just have someone with a camera.
I didn't want it. I wanted it ephemeral, gone. And the ceremony religious, not for taping. It ended up taped, but we asked for it to be distroyed, or given to us to be locked in a box.
But none of that is the point. The point is this post. You got it. That's it. The rest is nonsense, and only worth your time if you enjoy it.
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