Time to talk wedding party. I am, by nature, a person who has no more than a few really close friends at any given time. My friendships are deep and tend to be permanent. And it takes me awhile to make friends.
He-Mouse, on the other hand, loves everybody. This is very sweet. He's still in touch with people from his third grade softball team, his high school class, his college days, early and late grad school, etc. And he seems to see hardly any distinction between friends and acquaintances. In fact, even people who have out-and-out wronged him are still friends if they hang out with him sometimes. This generosity of spirit, and this forgiveness, are two of He-Mouse's many excellent qualities. He really does love all the people in his world.
This has made it agonizing for him to choose his groomsmen. We thought we'd have two attendants each, then three, then four, and now five. And at every step there has been much waffling back and forth. He goes off to think about it for awhile. I think if he had the choice, he'd have about twenty attendants.*
So he ended up deciding by something I came up with: over the course of a marriage, a lifetime together, there will be bad times. There will be bad days, as there are now, but in all likelihood, there will also be bad years. Possibly bad years in a row. We decided that the people who stand up with us should be the people who will fight for our marriage, the people who will help us to keep our vows to each other, the people that will remind us of the strength of our love and gently guide us back together.
* This is also how we ended up with a 150-person wedding. I was hoping for more like seven people. Oh well.
9 comments:
Mouse, I may forward this to Sister Awesome and Captain Awesome -- they are struggling with the same dilemma! Like He-Mouse, Captain Awesome is incredibly outgoing and makes friends wherever he goes, and he'll probably have trouble narrowing down his groomsman choices (not to mention his guest list).
What a meaningful way to think about your attendants! I've never been entirely sure the purpose of a large attendant group: I want to honor our important friendships but without so much spectacle or financial expectation. So I really like thinking about the essence of who and why we have friends/family at our sides.
Good advice. I'm in the same boat. I have four bridesmaids. My fiance has seven groomsmen. And, you know what? I'm OK with it. I don't feel the need to wrangle three more girls who aren't my best friends, and I certainly don't want to force him to make any cuts, because all of his groomsmen ARE his best friends. So, we're going with 4 and 7 and it'll be quirky and unconventional and slightly odd-looking, but we don't mind at all.
What a lovely thought.
I think that's an excellent perspective. My grandmother's advice for a long marriage (given to us at her 50th anniversary) was that sometimes you wouldn't like each other very much. Sometimes it was for 2 days, sometimes it was for 2 years. But 2 years compared to 50 isn't that long at all. Surrounding yourself with champions for your marriage will def. help you get through the rough times!
We are just like this! My friendships are few and forever, while FI is super-social and makes friends with everyone. In the end, we decided to limit wedding party members to 5 each because we're having a really small wedding and didn't want to overwhelm it with our bridesmaids and groomsmen.
What other way could there possibly be to do it?
And I'm like you in the friends department, I wish I could be more like your He-Mouse but I don't think I ever will be.
Hrm. It would seem that my beau takes after your He-Mouse. A lot a lot. I am going to pass this valuable perspective on to him, it will go a long way towards helping him decide.
We didn't gender specify. We picked a group of people we were close to, together or seperatly, and gave them honors. That way there was no pressure to match numbers. I suggest!
And yes, that is exactly how you should pick your people, whatever their genders and numbers.
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