(Know what? I don't know anything at all about what He-Mouse and I ought to register for. I mean, we live together and we have some nice things (a serviceable toaster, a cast-iron skillet), but we're still getting on our feet, financially. So we do not have, for instance, glasses that match. For some reason, we have only six teaspoons of our ten place-setting Target silverware. I have no idea where the others have gone. Anyway, I decided to seek some help with registering, and who better to ask than the High WASP herself? She comes from the land of owning china and silver, after all. So here is LPC from A Midlife of Privilege, with the first of two posts on registering. Come back next Wednesday for part two!)


Table Impunity by High WASP on Polyvore.com


Hello little mice. LPC here, also known as Lisa, from Privilege. Our dear Souris has asked me to come and say silly things about wedding registries. In fact, she asked me to tell you what I know, but all I know are silly things. Which are often about what one needs to have to set one's table.

Alors.

The native fun of registering for wedding presents can swiftly devolve into confusion, or even distress. This is largely because people are apt to Have Opinions. Which they will want to tell you. I unfortunately cannot help with statements like "Purple is a horror," or "Yes, I do want a flat screen TV bigger than your car." I can help with opinions like, "You MUST have formal china," or, "But dear, that is not the Done Thing," or, "Everyone always registers for crystal." Because High WASPs (my culture of origin) invented the Done Thing, and, although disappearing from earth in alarming numbers, we stand on our authority in the world of china, glass, and silver.

The debate about table-centric wedding registries usually pits acquiring objects of social significance against furnishing the life you actually lead. Pressure to register for fancy stuff, if any, will most likely come from family members who worry about propriety. Or who want to use your wedding for a statement of wealth. A modern version of a dowry. You do not need to comply. Impunity. That's how High WASPs do it. The Sturdy Gal says, "Oh rubbish. The silliest thing I have ever heard." No matter what anyone says, at whatever decibel level, there's no right or wrong, even in the High WASP canon. And if anyone was going to obsess about virtue in table settings, it's us.

Yes, society has decreed that a chunk of financial resources will come your way when you get married. If you want to use those resources to buy gold plates to keep your cupboard company, go right ahead. If you want to use those resources for something to eat off of every day, go right ahead.

That said, I recommend you furnish the life you will lead. Rather than collect goods. Life is short. We have to eat, and over the years you will be putting a lot of food into your mouth. With any luck people you love will be eating with you. Maybe around a table, maybe at a kitchen counter. Buy plates for those moments. Imagine where those plates will be kept, where they will be used, how on earth they will get cleaned. Same goes for glasses, forks and knives, table mats.* Household good have lives. The lives you give them.

You are not registering for objects. You are registering for use. Not stuff, but the backdrop to memories you will look back on down the decades. I know. Time. Your family. The values you will work so hard to establish and pass down to children, if you have them. It happens while we eat.

So just think, for a moment, about these little things.

1.) the life you will lead in the next 10 years (We don't buy stocks and bonds with much longer than a 10 year horizon, why china?)
2) an aesthetic that brings you joy (classic? artsy? regal? culturally-referent?)
3) what sort of budget your present givers can sustain (make sure everyone can find something on the list that will let them feel the glow of good present-giving)

Understand your philosophy, if you will. Only then go shopping. Perhaps you knew all this already. "Shopping for what?" you might ask. "Pretty things that serve you well," I would answer. With more specific advice to follow.

*And by the way, reclaim the vocabulary. Do not let anyone tell you have to call this stuff barware, or tableware, or flatware, or even silverware. If you want to call a fork a fork, do so. Commercial euphemisms not required.

So. The officiant. Look out, I'm going to talk about religion.*

See, He-Mouse and I, we aren't really church people. I was raised Unitarian Universalist, which in my experience means really nice people who are confused.** He-Mouse was baptized Catholic, but that's the last time he was in a church. So when it came time to thinking about officiants, we had three choices:

1. Choose random stranger who might hijack the ceremony and turn it into a church thing.
2. Fly in the family friend who officiated my mom's wedding and my stepdad's funeral (expensive).
3. Find an alternative.

At this point, by the way, I was starting to worry that I was planning a theme wedding. All the fiesta stuff rocks both our worlds aesthetically, but it represents He-Mouse's culture, not mine. I started to ponder ways I could get my Southern roots back in there. And then it occured to us: HANK!

My second-cousin Hank, who is uncle-aged, is a really wonderful bluegrass musician in Clayton, Georgia. When He-Mouse and I started to make a list of people whose ideas about love and family we respected, people who would counsel us and defend our marriage--you know, all the things a pastor might do if we were church people--we both thought of Hank. He lives with his wife, Susan (who's an awesome artist) and they each make space for the other's independence. They have a whole passel of volunteer dogs and cats, because they take in and feed the creatures that turn up on their doorstep. They care for their aging parents. And Hank has a rockin beard, not to mention a north Georgia accent that will make all my fambly feel right at home.

So that's that! He-Mouse and I are completely confident in this decision. It feels great. We can't have Hank ordained for a day, since Arizona doesn't do that. We'll just go get legally married the day before the wedding and then do the ceremonial bit ourselves.

* This is not to say that I have anything against religion. Like most wedding decisions, I feel this is a deeply personal choice. If you're church people, hurrah for you and I bet the ceremony will be beautiful.
** "Look," said small Mouse to the Sunday school lady at age 7, "Do we believe in God or don't we?"
"What do you think, dear?" she asked with a big smile.
"I'M EFFING SEVEN," I replied.

A big congratulations to Nicole, who has won the Green Berry flower girl pomander from the amazing Mackensley Designs! E-mail me for details, and I'd love to post a photo of the pomander in action when you get married!

Again with the breathtaking venue. I love the reflections, the trees, the peaceful feeling.
I'll let Matt tell this part:

"One of the personal details that made the day special from me was a simple, life-sized cardboard cut-out of my brother. He just was deployed to Saudia Arabia for his third trip overseas, only this time, he just had a baby three months before he left. He had the cardboard cutout made of himself so his new daughter could get used to his image while he is gone. Since he's my best friend and brother, we decided he needed to be involved, and brought him along for pictures. Everyone got a kick out of it, and his wife also appreciated it."
Photography: Jeremy Lawson
Cake: Cakes by Dea
Invitations and paper goods: Invitation Occasion
Venue and catering: Anderson Japanese Gardens, Rockford, Illinois

Mice, I love this wedding. Matt and Liz got hitched at the incredible Anderson Japanese Gardens in Rockford, Illinois, and they made the most of the beautiful landscape. Matt calls it the most beautiful place in the Midwest, and I think he's probably right. I love how they incorporated paper lanterns and parasols into the ceremony!
Ok, first of all, Liz found her dress for $400, and it was the first dress she tried on. If only it always went that way.*

She hired her bridesmaid, Cara--who has her own invitation business--to do the paper goods. Aren't the programs cute? I like the fan shape, especially considering the theme. They also figured out some great budget tricks:

"There are a lot of small ways to save on your wedding," Liz said. "For example, avoid shopping at specialty wedding stores. Anytime you add the word wedding to something it costs more. You can find similar items at craft stores or at Target for cheaper. Another way to save is cutting back on expensive flowers and finding other ways to decorate. We used flowers for half the tables and affordable $5 Japanese fans for the other half. My bridesmaids also carried paper parasols instead of bouquets. Cutting back in the smaller areas like the cake, guest book, guest gifts, etc can also save you more than you think!"

I also really like that they had Matt's dad officiate. They didn't completely plan it out,** but just let it happen on its own. They included traditional and non-traditional elements, and included important family members to make it feel deeply personal.

* My dress search definitely did not go that way. Neither my mother or I cried, either, so there.
** Not sure I could do that part. I am a planner.
(Photography by Jeremy Lawson.)

Monday's mariage is a particularly lovely one. Sun-soaked. Japanese gardens. Paper lanterns and parasols. And a beautiful way of including someone who couldn't be there. Come and see on Monday, and have a happy weekend!

(Matt and Liz's wedding, photographed by Jeremy Lawson)

After the Miranda dress, which I looooved, I thought I might just like all things Monique Lhuillier. And then I tried this one on. Quite nice in front, but when you turn around, BAM!, that's a lot of back. It felt a little too much like casino night. He-Mouse's elderly grandma would have to look at the whole expanse of my back, nekkid, for the whole ceremony...maybe not.

On the other hand, I like this skirt better than the other one.

(6. The nekkid back dress)

Guess who I found whilst trolling Etsy? Meet MackensleyDesigns, maker of a wide variety of alternative ring-bearer and flower-girl equipment. I love these pomanders, which she makes in all different sorts of colors and textures--think poms, shells, feathers, berries and more.
I like them for a very young flower girl who can't quite manage the basket. They're also perfect for a modern wedding--no muss no fuss, just nice clean lines and plenty of texture.I think they'd also make great decorations.

MackensleyDesigns is giving away one pomander of the winner's choice. To enter, visit her Etsy shop and then leave a comment below about which one is your favorite! I'll draw a winner at random next week.

I love our dude ranch venue so much that it stood head and shoulders above the other candidates. But I thought I'd show them to you anyway: for you Tucson brides, there are a lot of cool spaces. This one is the Tucson Museum of Art.
We ended up not choosing it because the indoor space is sort of lackluster, but I did like this little TV corner they were going to let us set up for the kiddos.
And this is the good part: giant giant courtyard, capacity of 750 people. I thought it would be cool to have everyone sit at one long, long, long table, under those string lights. The problem, really, is that this space didn't come with anything. I'd have to organize food, linens, tables, bartenders, waitstaff, cleanup and everything else on my own, from Chicago. I felt an impending ulcer and decided it was too much to coordinate from far away. But I bet it would be beautiful for someone...

I also liked it because my stepfather, who died a few years ago, was an artist. Getting married in a museum would have felt like he was there. I need to find a new way to feel like he's there.

Remember Printable Press, the delightful invite company that brought us these adorable ideas?
Lucky Dana of Fashion Under $100 has won a custom invitation through our giveaway! Dana wrote:

"I'm obsessed with gig posters, and I'd love a vibrant wedding invitation that looks like the gig poster for a romantic, whimsical band. And I can't find one!"

Dana, you will find one now! Thanks again to Kimi and Printable Press for the awesome giveaway, and I'll post the custom design when they finish it!

(Above: Shining Night and World on a String, both from Printable Press.)
P.S. Dana, e-mail me for details!

So, last weekend, one of my maids of honor* bravely accompanied me to a place called House of Brides. (If you didn't just now read that like a horror movie title, let me help set the proper mood: "You can run down the aisle. You can throw the bouquet. But you can never escape the HOUSE OF BRIDES AHAHAHAHA!") They have a scary website and an even scarier store. But we went anyway, in search of the elusive bridesmaids dresses.

Now, I have been listening to people who are better at this than I am, and the consensus seems to be that mismatchy bridesmaids are the thing right now. You tell the bridesmaids** a color and they choose shades of that color and it all works out. I am wary of this on several levels:

1. We have discussed that any amount of shine in teal fabric turns it into skanky eighties prom.***
2. I have an intense hatred of pastels. I want bright, not-shiny primary colors for the bridesmaids. Different shades of primary colors don't look like a spectrum, they just look mismatched. Also, there is good orange and then there is bad orange.
3. I'm concerned about the shopping options available to some of my farther-flung bridesmaids like Country Mouse, who will have to shop her butt off to find something both right and affordable in her teensy snowbound town. I don't want to do that to them.
4. I don't really want to do the trend thing unless it's something He-Mouse and I really love (like do-nuts). We're actually sort of stodgy and classic in a few particular ways.

Anyway, so bestest friend and I went on a fact-finding mission to HOUSE OF BRIDES AHAHAHAHA. She's good for this sort of project because she is the opposite body type, gorgeous curvy hourglass. Things that look good on both of us probably look good on anybody. And we tried things on, even as the mean saleslady glared at us because we were laughing so hard.

I'll tell you what: HECK NO to bridesmaid dresses. They are terribly made. Puckered seams, misplaced boob-pads, wrinkly ribbing, eff it. I'll just look at regular stores until I find something better.

* Yes, I am having two: my sister, Country Mouse, and my bestest friend (who lives in my city).
** I don't like when people call them maids. I'm not making them scrub my floors or something, just stand with me.
*** Which, by the way, would be a cool theme wedding for someone with less particular parents than Mama Mouse.